5 on a joyride

I woke up this morning feeling uglier than ever. I don't think I will ever look in the mirror and be satisfied with myself. I miss waking up in the morning for a purpose. I used to have a purpose. He was my purpose. I would wake up every morning to my awful home life, but I knew if I just got out of bed, and got out the door I would see him, and he would make my day worth getting up for. I wish I felt like that again. I wish I had a someone who was worth getting out of bed for. Who made my stomach feel like plopping icecubes in cold pepsi whenever I hear/think/or see him. He made my year worth living, and if he wasn't in my life during that time I probably wouldn't be here. I know that sounds very dramatic but it is true. During that time in my life I had nothing, and no one. I wish I was in love again. We used to sit in my room and stare at the blank white ceiling, and pretend that our lives were clean and spacious just like that blank ceiling. Then we would see the floor and realize the floor was a more accurate look at our lives. Cluttered, unkempt, confusing, and almost not meaningful. I have never loved anyone like that. I had never
experienced that type of love. I wish I could taste it one more time. To be in love and to be loved back. I had never heard of such a thing until then.